Surprising yourself

I admit, I am absolutely brilliant when it comes to finding reasons not to do what I don't want to do. I am equally good at forcing myself into things I know I should do, but also don't want to do. Imagine, therefore, the constant battle which occurs in my head.

There are times when I do partake in activities and I really can't wait for them to be over, this is true. But in vast contrast, and far more frequently, I usually find that even when I have possibly even dreaded the onset of a certain event, it turns out to be rather good fun. Or at the very least, I found some kind of benefit from it. I know, I probably sound like one of your older relatives, but at least I sound like one of your wise older relatives. Hopefully.

Let me give you some examples.

I never want to go to do sport here, even though it is free and I know the people there as it is for staff at school. I don't dislike sport, but I am not enamoured by it either. The teachers are friendly, they are not super good at sport and they do not laugh at my attempts to play games with them. I am not bad at sport. It might be the possibility of having to do rock-climbing, or it might be the fact I just don't want to go. 

After having a couple of weeks of avoiding it (snow, agreeing to give lifts to friends), on Tuesday I finally decided I could not put it off any longer. I waited until past five o'clock in the sports hall, and nobody turned up. Success, thought I, no one is coming. I started to slink out, thinking I could miss it again, to be met by the other members of staff on my exit. Damn. Trapped. Into a game of badminton. I have not played badminton for six years, I explained desperately. Don't worry, it's just for fun, she's rubbish too, I was told, "she" being another member of staff. I glanced at the clock. Forty-five minutes of badminton. I'll cope, I told myself. Well six o'clock came and went and we were still playing. An ordinary doubles match became a game where losing your point meant losing your racket and sharing amongst your team which in turn became the old game of Around the World, running around the court to keep the point in play. At half past, we played our last round before calling it a night, and I was frankly a little disappointed. I wanted to carry on. I wasn't by any means particularly good, but I had really enjoyed myself, delighting in being called annoying in French by the PE teacher whom I had knocked out of the game twice. I had even finished an overall second in one game...

As I've previously mentioned, I have never been the most confident in spoken French. It is not that I don't know the grammar, but I just told myself enough times I would be laughed at or not understood if I tried to speak and that that would be so embarrassing and awful it would represent the end of the world. Some days I get so annoyed with France I refuse to speak their language but they are few and far between, and the rest... Well I will accept the compliments when they come my way.

I have a flat big enough to be able to choreograph in my living room whenever I feel like it, and not only do I enjoy myself like I always did when I danced, but I can now see that I am good at it too. I said repeatedly last weekend that I was not a cook, and then managed to serve up a successful roast dinner in a kitchen I am not used to, on my own for the first time. I used to think no one would vote for me if I ran for an elected position, and then won Online Features Editor when running via a video from a foreign country. I used to believe (and was told) I would not be able to teach young teenagers because I couldn't control them, and six months in I'm still managing. I used to think I was fat even after I put in all the effort I did to lose weight.

How many times have you picked up an advertisement for a job or a placement and said, "I can't do that," or "I don't fulfill the criteria,"? I have heard tell that women are particularly prone to doing this. Well that is what I frequently do too. Recently I saw an advertisement for an internship I really want, and my initial reaction was the same. But if I really want it, why would I let someone else get it without even trying? Once I sat down and looked properly through my qualities and experience I realised I had been completely ignorant of the truth. With some hard work, I submitted an application of which I can be proud, even if the anxious wait now stretches out before me.

I have been meandering vaguely towards a point, and it is this: there is enough insecurity in the world, and enough people lacking in self-confidence for no good reason. For simply inexplicable reasons I have told myself, and occasionally had toxic people tell me, that I was not capable. I know I am not alone in this. I know people that suffer with this problem. I see people in positions of power and responsibility who are there through sheer (over-)confidence and persuasion. So take your opportunities, even if you really cannot see what it is going to do for you or how you are going to appreciate it, because you will be surprised by yourself, I am sure. Then learn to stop running yourself down and allowing others to do the same, because with newfound skills, experience, and confidence, you can go out there and change the world.