"If you're not going at maximum speed, then you're not going at all."

As a result of the travelling I have undertaken around the United Kingdom and Spain in the past year or eighteen months, I have come to some conclusions about the manner in which people, in general, commute, particularly in London and other efficiently-run cities and countries.

I tend to travel with one, small, cabin-sized suitcase, and have developed a particular style in which to walk with it, especially when concerning tubes, Underground stations, escalators, travelators and, perhaps most frustratingly, other people. You see, there is a way in which one should conduct oneself when you have luggage, and it is a way that only a few people appear to have mastered.

Firstly: tubes. The London Underground is, obviously, making use of the space below London, with however many hundreds of stations there are throughout the city. So therefore, on tubes, one should stand with one’s suitcase neatly tucked next to one. Alternatively, you could put it in front of you, or perhaps even behind you, but never just in the middle of the gangway or in front of the door, especially not when there are specified areas for luggage. You will much more likely be branded a tourist if you fail to adhere to this policy. Moreover, there are a number of ways in which you can put the retractable handle of your suitcase. I tend to go for pulled out three-quarters of the way – which, incidentally, is how I walk through tube stations, but more on that later – so that I can rest the hand which isn’t holding on to the train on top of it. Smooth and also practical – no cases falling over. Finally, when getting on and off the train, do not commit the tragic mistake of walking off and pulling it after you: pick the case up with its non-retractable handle!

Secondly: Underground stations. As I mentioned before, do not pull the handle out all of the way if you have the option. You will only walk and get it in people’s way. Half-way is also too short for you to be comfortable, so three-quarters is a good length. Don’t take ages trying to find this height though, otherwise the efficiency is ruined. Do put the handle down quickly and pick up the case when you hit stairs, and pull it back out it once you reach the end of the stairs, and in lifts adhere to the tube-train policy, unless the lift is empty, in which case it doesn’t really matter. Walk like you know where you’re going – if you have to check the map, don’t leave your case loitering behind you. It is obstructive.

Thirdly: escalators. London has a policy of standing on the right if you aren’t planning to walk up it. Other places probably do too. Do this.  I like to walk on to the escalator, pull the case onto the step behind me, leave the handle out, and once I reach the top or bottom, give the suitcase a quick kick to push it out behind me, and continue walking. Perfectly efficient and effective.

Next, is travelators. This is more something I witnessed in Majorca than in the UK, but I don’t see why it shouldn’t apply here too. These, in case you are unaware, are flat escalators. What I cannot stress enough is that they should be used for fast walking, not for being lazy when you can’t be bothered to walk, and if you are going to do the latter, please, as with escalators, do stand to one side, and make it a uniform side! Some of us are trying to be efficient, here. I say this because I very effectively navigated the travelators with my suitcase in Palma airport, only to have to run back the opposite way, and on my return, have the travelator blocked by two or three ladies having a chat when I clearly have a plane to catch…

People who don’t adhere to these rules often find the crowd-weaving way in which I behave infuriating, but if everyone walked and commuted in an efficient manner, we would have much more time to see and do things and much less irritation, particularly because I wouldn’t need to crowd-weave. It is nothing short of annoying when people walk with no concept of the people around them. It happens in town centres, as well as in train stations: people will just stop or move out into your path when it pleases them and leave you to flounder your way around them. My friend once rightly pointed out that walking is like driving – there are lanes, and you wouldn’t just pull out if you are driving, so don’t do it when you are walking! I don’t want to go to the extreme of demanding painted lanes on our footpaths and pavements for overtaking, but if it comes to it… 
As my brother put it, “If you’re not moving at maximum speed, then you’re not going at all.”

(All this talk of efficiency, anyone would think I was German.)